You Started It

Our historic inability to settle our own divorces is based, in large part, on the fact that we can’t resist injecting blame or fault into the negotiations.

Do not blame your spouse for anything. Blame just makes them angry, and angry people don’t settle, they want to fight.

 No one wants to accept that they have been “bad.” Think of when you were a child and got caught fighting with a sibling. Does “He started it” sound familiar? Blame will cause your spouse to shut down. Then you will never be heard.

 Our tendency to blame is hazardous to our wealth. The smart money focuses on problem solving instead of blame placing. Blaming is also senseless because no one on this planet is ever wrong. It’s always the other guy. Everyone, in every conflict, finds a way of exonerating themselves. If humanity had a universal mantra, it would be “I’m innocent; it’s their fault.”

 Your job is not to build a case to prove your partner is a rat or that you’re right and your partner is wrong. You can stay married to do that or you can vent with your friends and family. Your job now is to save time, money, and pain; and blaming hinders all three. Build the bridge; don’t blow it up.

Get their signature today; you can always prove you were right tomorrow.

 Blame fixes nothing and is totally useless.

 The main thing to keep in mind is this: don’t beat your spouse over the head about something that happened in the past. Keep your focus on the future and not on what occurred months or years ago. The past is what brought you into conflict. Talking about it now only prolongs the conflict.

Remember, no one has ever changed history by complaining about it.

Dwelling on the past does as much good as burning down your house to kill a mouse. So, don’t criticize your spouse about the past. Forget about their shortcomings as a companion, parent, homemaker, breadwinner, etc. Instead, remember that everything that drives you crazy about your spouse is what you are leaving behind. No matter how justified your complaints may be, your spouse doesn’t get it and never will. And it serves no purpose to discuss past deeds with someone who doesn’t get it.

We welcome hearing from you and we invite your questions. There is no obligation. No one will ever know that we spoke or what we discussed. Everything you say is privileged, confidential, and completely classified. We do not maintain a mailing list and will not contact you unless you ask us to.

Contacting us is easy!

Call 630-928-0600 


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Kari and Richard are staunch advocates of the non-court approach to divorce, and are also active and seasoned litigators with over 80 years of combined trial experience in the Illinois divorce courts of Cook and DuPage counties.