I Don’t Trust You Anymore

Another large impediment that presents itself during divorce discussions between soon-to-be ex-spouses is lack of trust. Losing trust during divorce is quite common and normally begins when the spouses first start to pull away from one another.

Trust disappears overnight and does not announce its departure. It is one of the first things to go, because the multitude of negative feelings that accompany divorce promptly overrides any sense of trust that was established during the marriage.

The person you married did trust you, true. This new person does not. Accept this as a fact and don’t debate it. You and your partner are not exceptions to this reality of divorce.

Let’s face it: divorce is anti-trust. Your soon-to-be ex now has the natural right to be skeptical about you and anything you say. You are now the enemy. Expecting your soon-to-be ex to trust you is about as realistic as thinking you can kick-start Air Force One.

Trust is a vital ingredient to successful negotiation. With trust, deals get done quicker and easier. Never minimize the impact that its loss will bring to the bargaining table. 

It helps to build your partner’s distrust into your thinking. Lack of trust may account for their new attitude or for their sudden defiance or unyielding tone of voice. It is easier to tolerate this unexpected behavior when we know why it is happening.

We must do whatever we can to insure that our ability to persuade is not trampled by our spouse’s newly developed, but seldom announced, instinct to reject our persuasion. We must especially prove ourselves trustworthy in every step of the settlement process. We cannot give our partner any new reasons to buttress their distrust.



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Kari and Richard are staunch advocates of the non-court approach to divorce, and are also active and seasoned litigators with over 80 years of combined trial experience in the Illinois divorce courts of Cook and DuPage counties.