If we hope to convince our soon-to-be ex to agree to a sensible out of court settlement, we cannot place any blame our spouse and we cannot allow ourselves to display anger.
As we discussed in Part 1, anger causes blame and blame causes anger. If we are angry, we blame someone for making us angry. In divorce, this someone is our spouse – the person from whom we want concessions and compromise. Since no one takes kindly to being blamed, our using this tact (and we all do) starts the very divorce war that we hoped to avoid.
When we blame our spouse, we do it to show them how wrong they were and why they now owe us a fair settlement. Since no one ever wants to accept blame, this approach makes them angry, and angry people do not settle cases – they fight. And, they also make lousy decisions.
We owe it to ourselves to sharpen our view of what is at stake and control the encounter, or it will control us.
The best way to contain our anger is to anticipate theirs. Anticipate fury, and you will be able to handle fury–without unleashing your own.
It is amazingly easy to control your temper when you know the triggering is certain to happen.