Conflict arises when there is an opposition of needs. Each party will generally have his or her own perspective regarding fairness and entitlement. They can go to court where one will win and one will lose, or they can attempt to settle their issues. In a typical case, the chances of settlement are hindered because the parties see things differently and don’t see how it would benefit them to consider compromise. It is the mediator’s job to show then how to consider alternatives and still get what they want.
THE HUMAN SPIRIT REQUIRES APPROVAL AND RECOGNITION.
The mediator starts by accepting that each party’s perspective is personal, subjective and very deeply held. The parties are urged to speak their piece without an interruption or criticism from the other. No attempt is made to change anyone’s mind. Trying to convince a spouse will fail (as it has in the past) because each sees the other’s position as an obstacle to getting what they want. An experienced mediator shows the parties how to work around the other’s perspective — like avoiding an obstacle in the road. You don’t move the obstacle, you go around it.
Through a controlled interchange, options and alternatives (that the parties would most likely never have considered) are discovered and explored. It is through these new possibilities that each should find some level of acceptability that is consistent with what he or she wants.
AN EXPERIENCED MEDIATOR SHOWS THE PARTIES HOW TO WORK AROUND THE OTHER’S PERSPECTIVE
The human spirit requires approval and recognition. And it needs to be heard. Effective mediation techniques make most of those things happen. People want to be heard and validated and that is the key ingredient of mediation. Your spouse will become easier to deal with when he or she knows you really understand why they feel the way they do.
Mediation validates you for believing and thinking as you do. Litigation does not.
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Richard and Kari are staunch advocates of the non-court approach to divorce, and are also active and seasoned litigators with over 60 years of combined trial experience in the Illinois divorce courts of Cook, DuPage, and Will counties.